


Crying Inward

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, Fluffy Ending, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, POV First Person, Someone Helps Will Graham, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-01
Updated: 2015-11-01
Packaged: 2018-04-29 10:05:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5123552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes I feel like there are these thick veils of cobwebs around me, as though if I reached out, I could touch them, push them to the sides and actually breathe again. Sometimes in the dead of the night, I reach out into it and curl my fingers around the invisible curtains choking me out and peel them away. And once in a while it works.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crying Inward

**Author's Note:**

  * For [noluciusstfu](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=noluciusstfu).



> from tumblr prompt fills. "Maybe you could do KaoruxKyo" - That seems the winner of the most wanted pairing on my dash!   
> Song[s]: "One Last Time" by Jaymes Young

_It is to you, what we are, improbable dose, impossible measure._

Kyo's POV

Sometimes I feel like there are these thick veils of cobwebs around me, as though if I reached out, I could touch them, push them to the sides and actually breathe again. Sometimes in the dead of the night, I reach out into it and curl my fingers around the invisible curtains choking me and peel them away. And once in a while it works. On the nights that it does, I feel this breath of relief whisper through me, like a weight of fantastic amount has been lifted from my chest and my mind. But on the nights that it doesn't work... I'm left hauntingly alone, crushed beneath my own world, tugged down into the abyss by every last thought that flits through my brain. Tonight is some perverse combination of the two. 

My breath shallows out for a while, my hands fisted in the sheets by my sides as I choke on the tears I do not shed. Crying on the inside... I once tried my best to describe it, but I only received these distant looks of pure confusion. It's like being swallowed alive by your own being. Like there's an ocean inside of you and it's slowly filling your lungs with water you can't choke up because your body doesn't understand you're drowning, nothing going down your throat or up your nose to tell it something horrible is happening. And then it hits your throat from the bottom and it constricts; like the terror of vomiting but so much worse. It's like the air you've taken in cannot escape, like it's stuck there and expanding. There's the prickle of tears at the corners of your eyes, but they never fall. Instead you find the sensation of crying inward, as though the tears are falling into your skull, sinking behind your eyeballs and plopping straight down into this strange cavern of emptiness within you.

And then like a slap in the face or the scare from a lightning strike a few meters away, every hair on your body stands on end. And just like that... it's gone. The crushing weight is nothing but a hollow memory. The tears are no longer falling inward and instead there's a silent leak outward. Just one or two, not even enough to justify calling crying. Breath comes easily and the ocean in your lungs falls away, leaving you heavy and exhausted. 

Tonight... both of those exist in this quick dance of opposition and agony. Tonight I claw at the world trying to breathe and then lay here thinking I must be crazy for how much it _hurts_ to be a pawn of this strange dance. A shiver wracks through me and I want nothing more than to let this wave of exhaustion claim me, to let it take me away, swaying off in the cradle of this strange ship. But I know the darkness lies just beyond this moment, lurking at the edge of my unconscious mind in order to stake claim on me again. 

There's this sound in the air, something I barely think to register before I'm closing my eyes and gasping for air once again. A thin wail or a scream in the silence of my mind. Maybe... perhaps it's not real at all, but a simple figment of this barren place within me. I feel my hands holding much too tight to the vast emptiness around me; the prickle of pain against my palms and then and then... I'm free-falling. Weightless and dropping a thousand meters, plunging straight down toward the end of the world. It's a blessing that I feel nothing in my heart, no more ripping fingers tearing at my soul. And maybe I should worry, maybe I should scream for the help I so desperately need... for someone to make this enormous leap and come to save me. 

The ground's coming up fast and I spread my arms wide and throw my head back, willing this one last time to take me, to claim me away from this thing called life. If, perhaps, it were this easy... maybe....

Weight covers me and I choke. Air comes dragging into my lungs and I can't stop it from doing it. I'm no longer falling, no longer nearing the end of this place I call hell. It comes fast and ragged, desperate and scared. My hands latch onto something else, something tangible and God... now I'm holding on for dear life. Just like that it's flipped all around, changed and garnered. Air drags into my lungs over and over and my head knows it's hitting the mattress beneath me as I bang it repeatedly against the soft pillow of it, hoping against hope it'll change something into making some amount of sense this time.

That sound wells back up and this time I'm aware it truly is me creating it. It stabs the air like someone is dying, like someone needs more than they could ever ask for. And I know it's all the truth. This weight feels like death and the weightless freedom of the whispered promises of the end are the chains that grip me tight to this world instead of freeing me. My limbs feel numb and my head lolls as things snap back this dizzying opposition once again. I want nothing more than to live, to find something - _someone_ \- to save me. I choke out a name, a single name beneath the ebbing tide within my lungs. "Kaoru."

"Right here."

It's like a light switch being flipped. Just like that my eyes can see again, my breath can come again, my heart and soul can rest once more. My body droops in his arms and he curls me tighter against him, rolling us onto our sides, his hand slipping behind my neck, gently cradling me. I rest against his shoulder, my eyes closing, my hands fisting in his shirt. 

"Don't leave me." It's a plea I've never managed to voice before, one I've kept to myself a hundred times over the years and one I've always screamed in utter silence. 

"I never will."

I'm dizzy in a whole other way, my head spinning even as I breathe out the breath that will plunge me into sleep. And even there, I am gripped tightly by the only person who could ever save me... the only one who ever cared to try.


End file.
